Why? Please help me i don't know what to do?

my mother is living with a man who is a drunk and a pot head. She is 49 he is 38. She is much older than he. He steals her rent money, beats her up, he chocked her and quits all his jobs and uninates on her. She cried to me, please help me I had you and your sisters i dropped out of high school I have a 2ed grade education and I am just a maid making 7 dollars an hour working 40 hours a week. I can't make it on my own please help. So I don't have much myself being a student and all. He went to jail twice for abusing her.



So I bought my mom a car and a 2500 dollar trailer. She said if I did this for her she wouldn't need him anynore the lot rent was only 250 a month. She makes 800 a month. Anyways I spend 7 grand on her just for her to move him back in after i did all that for her when I was suppose to get her away from him like she promised me. I felt used and hurt. She promised me that she wasn't intentionally using me but I feel like she did. Anyways she moved him in a week later then he went back to jail for strangeling her. While he was in jail she asked me for 90 dollars and a new hot water tank and promised me it was over. When he got out of jail he moved back in again after she promised me. Now she got a hot water tank out of me. Then she found out he cheated on her and still let him sleep with her and come over. i feel so hurt and used. She does seem to be up and down with her emotions and she does seem to be some what bipolar but I am not sure you know. I feel like I don't want to talk to her anymore. My and my husband are going threw our own problems with the economy being down and all. Meanwhile , she doesn't call and ask me how i am doing she calles everyday with her drama and her asking me for things. I feel that she is rude, uncaring for my feelings and a completer screw bag and a loser. I don't want to talk to her anymore. She is my mother but she treats me horriblly what would you do in this situation and how would you handle this. I can't talk to her because she will tell me that she will kill herself and don't worry i wont talk to you anymore and she over reacts and doesn't care she boo whooos and it's all about her and she will just care about herself so it's not worth talking to her she doesn't care and wont change I have tired to get her help and on meds and she refuses. Please help me.. I am so hurt

25 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.

Additional Details

4 minutes ago



DO YOU THINK SHE IS USING ME???

DO YOU FEEL SHE HAS LIED TO WHOLE TIME TO GET ME TO BUY HER A TRAILER AND HOT WATER TANK

3 minutes ago



I FEEL USED AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE IT'S ALWAYS CAN YOU DO THIS AND GIVE ME THIS EVERDAY

Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?%26quot;He steals her rent money, beats her up, he chocked her and quits all his jobs and uninates on her. %26quot;



You can go to jail for that. RING THE POLICE AND TELL THEM!!!Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?ask yourself if she had always been like that%26gt; if not, her emotions were consumed by this violent relationship and she is lost, desparate. You need to help be getting her to do counselling, and if you recon he is psychotic, have to contact police and mental unit. Peoople smoking weed very often end up with psychosis, and if you think that is the case, he may end up killing her in psychotic state, she needs to get out of that relationship asap, but think about yourself as well, you may need help and councelling as well. If you tried and cant do anything, do not blame yourself. The gauy doesnt deserve your mum. It hurts when you tried and she wont do anything, but think how many women get consumed by relationships like that and dont get out for years. She needs a new purpose in her life, other than man, she needs independence and go back to her old self, but we are not always able to open the eyes of our closest relatives, she needs to wake up and admit she is used and abused, and want to get help.

stay strongWhy? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?She is using you, and will continue to do so, if you let her....quit doing things for her....Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?call the police and tell them what's happening

if she asks you for anything else just ignore her, it may seem harsh but it's all you can do if she doesn't want her life to get betterWhy? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?Sophie,

I just want to say that I agree totally with what Lulu said. You seem a very well adjusted Christian young lady.

But one thing I would like to add. You say you are %26quot;just a maid%26quot;.

No matter what you do in life you are never %26quot;just a%26quot; anything. Be proud, being a maid is no shame, all though lowly paid you are still gainfully employed.

I know, (I am a maid also), that there is a social stigma attached to being employed as a maid, but it is usually the same people whose floors we wash and toilets we clean that look down their noses at us. The same people who don't,won't or can't clean up for themselves.

So next time someone asks what you do, say proudly %26quot;I am a Maid%26quot;



Blessings,

Kim.Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?Sweetie, your mother is self-centered and addicted to the drama this man brings into her life. Unless and until she gets professional help, she will continue exactly as she has. If he gets locked up, she will find someone pretty much the same as he.



Your mother made some bad choices when she was younger and now has to pay the price. Part of that price is that she is uneducated and can only make 7 dollars an hour. That was her doing, not yours.



Do NOT let her make you feel guilty. She could have been more sensible, stayed in school, and practiced birth control. She didn't.

There's no reason that you should have to bail her out time and again.



She could also have chosen to either live alone or find a man who would be happy to work and treat her well. She didn't. That's her doing, not yours. She's allowed her man to choke her and urinate on her and yet welcomes him back. That's her choice, so don't let her whine to you any longer.



She has used you. I guess it doesn't matter if she did it on purpose or not, she still used you. Don't let her do it again.



You are right, too. She does not want help as she is having all her needs met. He gives her the drama, you give her what she needs. Stop now.



You don't have to tell your mother anything. If you don't have caller ID, get it. Answer her call if you feel up to it. If you don't feel up to it, don't answer.



Learn these words: %26quot;I wish I could help you out, but I can't.%26quot; And also, %26quot;Apparently you like being treated this way or you wouldn't keep letting him come back.%26quot; And the best: %26quot;No. Sorry.%26quot;



You owe her no explanations for not wanting to partcipate in her self-destructive behavior. You don't even have to talk to her.



Listen, she is never going to be the kind of mother you need and would love to have. It is not going to happen. Give up that dream. She is what she is and seems to be satisfied with that. You must accept that.



Go on with your life and put yourself and your husband first. Let your mother live the life she has made for herself without anymore help from you. Remember that she is self-centered, and that won't change.



God bless you. You sound like a sweet and caring young lady, and I'd be happy to have you as a daughter. Take care of yourself.



You are a child of God.

Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?Yes, she is using you. Yes, she has lied to you. Yes, she will continue until you start saying %26quot;I'm sorry Mom, I can't help you until you respect yourself and are willing to make good decisions.%26quot;



Unfortunately, you are placed in the position of being the adult, and she is in the position of self loathing; abused and desperately looking for love; yet not willing to respect herself, let alone anyone else...including you.



Your best bet is to be strong, mature, compassionate and of all things, be an adult. Stop enabling bad behavior, reward good behavior. Encourage her to respect herself and always be open to celebrating the day(s) that she makes progress. After all, you love her right? Good luck, be strong, love always :-)Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?It may sound harsh even cruel, but you simply have got to walk away and never look back.Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?You are not responsible for your mother. You tried to help her and it didn't work, through no fault or shortcoming of your own. Now you must stay away from her and not allow any contact with her or her livein guy. Your mother is trying to control you by making you feel guilty. Don't let her! Your responsibility is now to yourself and your husband.



Some day, your mother may come to her senses. Keep hoping that will happen but don't let her ruin your life in the meantime.Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?no one can take advantage of you without you letting them. You know that she is taking advantage of you. Seriously, you need to cut her off, she has no reason to stop.

It's gonna be tough, stick to it, GOOD LUCK!!!!! Why? Please help me i don%26#039;t know what to do?Sorry, but it sounds like she is using you. You have to live your own life, she is a grown woman, she HAS to take care of herself. You need to worry about you and no one else. Don't take her calls, and for godsake do not give her anymore money! Take care.

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Broke up with gf...why do I feel so horrible?

***GIANT paragraph alert!!!!***



I broke up with my gf this 3 weeks ago. I got tired of her nagging me over nothing. My mother even told her not to do that with me cuz it will drive me away...or quite a few men in general. She just kept goin about minor crap. she was very insecure. A girl at my job said I was cute and she got mad....why when I'm with you not the other girl. She also did that with another friend of mine and thought we liked each other...while this other girl, is crushin on another guy....hard. I felt unappreciated at times as well. She lived about 30-40 mins away from me. I'm a hardcore gamer and even play in tournaments. But when we got together I put it aside and NEVER put any video games in front of her...hell, anything in general. I would drive out teh to see her, hang out, take her to work or pick her up...and that was hellacious on my gas tank. But I never complained or asked for gas money. I pretty much gave her all my free time.But it just seemed it wasn't enough. In January she asked me to get her a promise ring....now...I'm not one for these really but I did get her one and it did hold meaning. It has our birthstones and names put on it. The inscription said %26quot;Forever And Always%26quot; When I got it and presented it to her...it didn't fit. It was a size 5...which she told me she whore. We went to get her sized, she is a 6...but got mad at me? WTF!? Its your damn finger! How you not know? I was fine with that cuz I could get a refund on teh ring and order a new one with the correct size......she wouldn't take it. My birthday is on valentines day. Ii wanted to get her something but didn't have the money due to bills and me having to pay $400 to get my car fixed. So I sold my PSP which I payed over $200...for $65...yea...that was BS. I got her this necklace that had a ruby heart and diamonds.......she never wore it. She also hit me before while I was driving....and I put her *** out on the street. DAMN RIGHT! You aint gonna hit me in MY car and ride in it. That was in march. Things did begin to get better after a while though but after all the BS (There;'s more than what I posted) I began to not care for teh fact that she did change....a little. So mother's day is around the corner. She has a 1 1/2 year old son (yea, that part is comin too). She constantly nagged me about mothers day...more than my own mother. WTF!? this women aint no mother of mine? However, I did take her to get a massage, her nails done, and out to eat. She then complains that she had to tell me about getting her something for mothers day for me to do. WTF!? Be happy I did it!!! That damn near did it for me.I had though of getting a place in teh future. I knew she wanted to go back to school and and with her son, I didn't want her to have to struggle ...so I picked up a 2nd job as an overnight stock person at walmart....and this job sucks more than my 1st. I didn't want this job btu did it for us. One day I had to work overnight (10pm-7am), then be at my other job at 10am till maybe 2pm or 3-pm, then had to work overnight again that night from 10pm-7am. DAMN! Just saying that sounds horrific. So I decided to rest that day so I can perform well at my jobs and not get fired. She complains about me putting that in front of her. Really now!? I'm getting a j2nd job to help support your *** and this is what I get? Now here is teh part I hate most of all, her son, thinks I am his father. His name is Michael. His father Chris Parker (Yea...I put you out there you deadbeat SOB.) was never around. Michael never really saw him. But I was around a lot. I was the only father figure he saw. And I cared for him as if he was my own...which is where I found the joy of having a child cuz I always wondered what was teh big deal, until now. I was there for him. I watched him when no one could, even took him to my home to watch him, watched him when her grandmother was sick so she recover and not have to worry about him, played with him, took him to the park. Over time, he became attached to me and vice-versa. And believe it or not, they at times had a hard time getting him to listen. I did not. I was really the only person he'd listen to. He would call me %26quot;da-da%26quot;. Hug and kiss me when ever I showed up or held him. Kiss the picture of me and him on her phone. And when his father actually came around and she said give your daddy a hug...he looked at me. I hate to leave the kid like this. I know what its like to not have a father around, mine was never there either. Honestly, that pains me so much. I pretty much love the boy. But.....I can't stay around if me and her are not together.....and can't be with her just to be a father to him. I feel so horrible. I've tried so hard to work things out with her but she acts as if she doesn't see what she does. there's more than what I told but I guess this paragraph is big enough. I feel terrible.Broke up with gf...why do I feel so horrible?She def sound like a ***** to me..... it sounds like she take advantage of u! i def wouldnt feel horrible..u prolly feel bad for her son but not her...screw herBroke up with gf...why do I feel so horrible?omg...



why can't you paragraph this.



Amg my eyes, you'll be hearing from my lawyer!!



To answer the OP, you feel bad because it's upsetting to break up with someone you care about, even if the person wronged you.Broke up with gf...why do I feel so horrible?Hm :/. You probably horrible because you can't see her son anymore, since your really attached to him... He seems like a very lovable boy n_n.

You should try to talk to your ex girlfriend about seeing him sometime, since he thinks of you as his father. I think that's really sweet, that he thinks of you like that... I'm sure he would be devastated to not be able to see you again!

Your girlfriend on the other hand does seem to nag you quite a lot; talk to her about it (you probably already have... but if you haven't, you should), it might help.

My husband's mustang is turning over but not starting.?

Husband has a 1986 Ford Mustang 5.0 Fox Body.... The past couple of days he's been having a few issues. Sunday he went out and it wouldn't start, the battery was dead... So he spent 3 hours fiddling with it with me telling him %26quot;Check your wiring something is draining your battery%26quot; Needless to say our day plans were shot and after taking it to Advanced auto to get it charged he gave me the neener neener neener face with me shaking my head saying the problem wasn't solved. Fast Forward to today...



He went out today and the car would turn over but not start. A friend of his, myself, and him are standing over the car and He changes out the starter cellulode (spelling) but still not luck as I sigh and suggest once me the wiring. I know my husband and he's the fiddle not read the instruction type. I am the read the instructions type and have read the chilton's manual on his car cover to cover. I think its the spark plug wires since the distrubuter module is fine. The car is getting fuel (we checked after I nagged)... these two yuppies were standing there twisting and tweaking ground wire and wire harnesses like that was going to help *sigh*. I know he has changed out one or two spark plugs recently instead of changing all of them out at ONCE... and did not change the spark plug wires. He has had this car two years and has not changed out the plug wires or all of the spark plugs since having it... nor does he know the last time the spark plug wires were changed out. They look old to me and even the Chilton's manual is hinting to it. Any proffessionals/mechanic types out there with some advice. I already spoke to my Dad who taught me what I know about cars. For a woman I am fairly capable around cars, I know how to change my own oil, brakes, spark plugs, spark plug wires, tires, radiator tubes, radiator... I've even replaced a clutch in a Mazda 626 with my Dad's help.. and helped replace a clutch in my brother's truck along with all sorts of other assorted odds and ends and if I have a Chilton's manual.... I am just getting the %26quot;Me Alpha male grunt grunt%26quot; thing from him. (patrol coming up and he's about to get taken down a peg or two in his pack status around our house LOL) Any help appreciated so I can just do it tommorrow while he's at work and do the %26quot;I told you so%26quot; female smile (sorry guys! I know men hate it but he has it coming)My husband's mustang is turning over but not starting.?Too much Drama...

Suck it up and have the car looked at by a reputable local repair

mechanic..



Why let this get more out of hand than it has to...



Good Luck to both of you guys and re-plan a nice day together.My husband's mustang is turning over but not starting.?buy your husband a toyota camry he'd be much happierMy husband's mustang is turning over but not starting.?if it turns over it's not the solenoid. you have fuel but it may not be enough. you need 45-55 PSI. try cranking it while he hits the center of the gas tank with a rubber mallet. if it starts you have your answer.My husband's mustang is turning over but not starting.?if it would turn over in the first place he would,nt had to replace the solenoid. you say the gas is reaching the engine so what about spark, is he getting good spark? i,am thing it might be the coil or the pick-up in the distributor. cranking it over all the time would make the battery go dead. ok if your going to do itwhile he,s working the do this. first make sure the battery is fully charged and the engine will turn over then take the fuel line off and see if you have good fuel coming to the engine then make sure the plugs are getting good spark. if you have those things then it should start.

When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??

1. Ask for last months specials.



2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.



3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.



4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.



5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.



6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.



7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.



8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.



9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.



10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.



11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.



12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.



13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.



14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!



15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having



16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.



17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.



18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.



19. As you're pulling away and they say %26quot;Have a nice day!%26quot; (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.



20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say %26quot;No thank you

this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back.%26quot;



21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.



22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.



23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.



24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.



25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your ordWhen ordering fast food have some fun do this ??This is great i just had a great laugh i am now printing this ,the staff at my local McDonalds are totally useless and forever giving out the wrong orders,allthough most of them dont speak good English but i am going there tommorow so i will try some out i cant wait i love having a laugh,i just feel sorry for my mrs as im not going to show her the list i will just do it when i get there.When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??These are terrific ideas!!! I'm gonna have to try some of them out.When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??HeheWhen ordering fast food have some fun do this ??order a big mac at burger king and when they tell you they don't have big mac's...tell them %26quot;i want it my way%26quot;When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??I like pancakes.When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??they are awesome. Unfortunately myself and my friends are foolish enough to do this.......hehe



Also remember if they ever give you grief...

%26quot;THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT!!%26quot;

(so have to use that to your advantage)When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??too much time on your hands..



but funny! xWhen ordering fast food have some fun do this ??okeyWhen ordering fast food have some fun do this ??Sorry, i used to work in fast food, and i like to respect those who have jobs you like to make fun of. Why don't you go see a policeman and pretend you robbed a bank and see how that goes?



JKN!!! I loved a good laugh when i was there!! :DWhen ordering fast food have some fun do this ??you must have worked in fast food.....When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??Number 12 is a classic!





I've gotta try that at least once - CheersWhen ordering fast food have some fun do this ??if i didnt work in fast food and realise how annoyin most customers r wen they try and can ya 2 get free food or wotever then i wud probly try this.When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??Nice...When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??Yeah, 25 reasons why I don't eat at fast food joints...



;o]



...worth a star though!When ordering fast food have some fun do this ??Good! I'd only do the Christmas one, though.



Another one: Order your food dressed up as (e.g.) Barney The Dinosaur or Sonic The Hedgehog..... or some other cartoon character. AND ORDER USING THEIR VOICE as well.



Ask them to give you a fork for your coffee



Say %26quot;Oh, surprise me!%26quot; when you place your order



Sing the Fast Food Song at the topof your lungs



WALK through the drive through holding a toy steering wheel and saying 'Brum brum', 'Vroom vroom' or any other appropriate car sounds. Racing gear optional



Ask them to guess what you want

Worried that I might have diabetes... what were your symptoms and how were you diagnosed?

For the past couple of weeks I've been experiencing a lot more fatigue than usual. At first I thought it was because I had changed my sleep schedule, but even so, I'm sleeping the same amount of hours, just going to bed earlier and waking up earlier... I'm sure I would have adjusted to that by now. But whenever I spend more than 15 minutes in the car (as a passenger, of course) I doze off. When my husband and I were playing with our kids in the living room last week, I dozed off on three different evenings because I was SO worn out.



Also when I wake up in the morning I HAVE to get up and get something to drink, whereas normally I lie in bed and relax before getting up. A few days ago I realized I was going to the bathroom a lot more than usual. That on top of being tired and thirsty all the time actually made me think that I might be pregnant again, because those were the symptoms I had when I was pregnant the last time. Now that I know I'm not pregnant, I'm worried.



I recently got on a new low-dose birth control pill this month, but I've never really experienced side effects from being on birth control before... especially excessive thirst - I don't think that'd be a side effect of the pill.



Anyway... I should also add that my dad is diabetic, so it does run in my family. But I just want to hear from other diabetics what kind of warning signs pointed you in the right direction to seek help for it. I have a physical coming up in 2 months, I'm sure I'll get blood work then, but if it sounds like an urgent issue, hopefully they'll see me about it earlier.



I appreciate any advice and insight!Worried that I might have diabetes... what were your symptoms and how were you diagnosed?Yes these symptoms may indicate diabetes BUT they may also suggest other problems I suggest that you seek medical advice now rather than wait for 2 months for your check up.Worried that I might have diabetes... what were your symptoms and how were you diagnosed?i realized i had a problem because i was always thirsty,my boss



who is a diabetic told me that was a symptom of diabetes,i had my sugar levels tested and the dr. determined i was diabetic



i did not take care of my sugar properly and evetnually it affected my kidneys.SO PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR ASAPWorried that I might have diabetes... what were your symptoms and how were you diagnosed?All are good answers, but you might also have sleep apnea.



HomeResearch Stories %26quot;A Spoonful of Vinegar Helps the Sugar Go Down%26quot; http://researchstories.asu.edu/stories/vWorried that I might have diabetes... what were your symptoms and how were you diagnosed?Extreme thirst. Frequent urination. Fatigue. Family history. You didn't mention if you were overweight or not, not judging, but it can make a difference. If these don't get any better or worse, then have doc check your blood sugar. It's only a finger prick.



Or if you can check it on your dad's meter if he uses one.



You can also buy urine dipsticks at any drugstore to test if you are %26quot;spilling sugar%26quot; into your urine (not normal). If you are, then have it checked out. Might save you a doc visit.Worried that I might have diabetes... what were your symptoms and how were you diagnosed?My dad is a diabetic, so I knew the symptoms, but I was in denial when i first started getting them. Not going to the doctor right away was a mistake, i got sooo sick i almost died. I was 24 when i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, i thought I was passed the point where I could develop it, but i was wrong. the first thing i noticed was having to pee a lot more. It started off more slowly but then i had to go more and more. I started being so thirsty, that got worse and worse too. I could never quench it. I started to lose weight slowly at first and then more rapidly as time went on. I was really tired, and my vision was a bit blurred from time to time, which got worse as it progressed. I kept telling myself it wasnt diabetes, but since my dad had it, i knew. If its in your family you need to go in now, do NOT wait, it could be deadly, I know first hand. The sooner you can get a handle on things the better. And besides if it's not diabetes why would you wanna worry that it is for the next 2 months. They will definately see you sooner if you are symptomatic.

How is your nine month old sleeping?

I have a nine month old daughter and she has been sleeping awesome! From 9ish until 7ish. Now however whoa not no more. Now she isn't napping worth a darn, sleep at night is going about the same. I have tried everything at naptime from co-sleeping with her, cuddling her well, then moving her to her crib or leaving her in our bed, we have done the car ride, then when she gets home she wakes up or stays awake depending on how lucky we are. :) By bedtime she is a mess. I have been laying her down for her nap when she starts rubbing her eyes and yawning. At night time we still have the same rountine (bath, milk, and bed). Nothing has changed. I don't like the idea of crying it out. However I cannot take this anymore. There is no one here to help me during the day/night hubby sleeps all mounring then works second shift, then when baby wakes up night he is tired. I'm at wits end. Does anyone have any ideas? I have given her tyneol for teething pain. I'm the only one?How is your nine month old sleeping?This was out problem. I tried every recommended nap routine from making a baby drowsy and laying them down to rocking him, nothing works for naps. The bedtime routine works, but not for naps. I got my son to nap in the way they tell you not to. In a stroller. They say don't do this or a swing or carseat as the baby will get used to being %26quot;put%26quot; to sleep but i don't care, he naps well, and long and is cheerier than when he didn't nap. He naps an hour after waking up for 1/2 hour. he naps at noon for an hour. At about 4 for an hour then around 7 for 1/2 hour. He sleeps from 10:30 pm to 7 am, which is our schedule, and because we found he will never sleep, naps or not, for longer than that at night.



When he shows signs of sleepiness, eye rubbing, yawning...I push him around the dining room table in his stroller in the most reclined position. He falls asleep, and sleeps well. At night, i just take him to bed with me and he falls asleep, then i move him to the crib.How is your nine month old sleeping?My nephew is at the same age and he is the same, but i think it's because he's teething too, just cut his first tooth, my son went through stages also. Make sure you daughters room is very dark in the day, even if it means puttin a dark sheet up at the window, my son only sleeps well in the day if it's really dark. Good luck, i know it's a tiring time, just when you think you've mastered something, there goes another stone in the cogs! The joys of parenthood.How is your nine month old sleeping?My wife and I went through this, and you must know, THIS is hell. You have my utter sympathy, however there is a great hope.



You may not like this answer, you have to let her cry. Our son did the exact same thing. Great sleeper then at nine months the the bottom fell out. I got the most sleep between the two of us, about five hours a night, and my wife did not get more than two or three consecutive hours. Our son went from being sweet, darling, smart, and inquisitive to being quiet, very moody (laughing and then crying literally a second later), and lost most of his energy.



We lost most of our ability to communicate because we were exhausted, and the arguments only got worse. My wife after two months got so bad she would forget what she was doing as she was doing it, and I would go to work and zone out (which is bad for truck drivers SCARRY!).



Then we read a book. %26quot;Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child%26quot;



We had a choice to make: Which was more important, how we felt hearing our little lovely boy scream, or his health and well being.



It really does come down to this and I hope you don't hit the brick wall as hard as we had to before learning what needed to be done.



It was a simple instruction but the hardest effort of willpower. You must begin a routine which will not deviate. Decide what you want to be in the routine and then stick to it. At 6pm, you wash up and get the pajamas on, then have your last bottle for the night. (This is important you MUST fight the urge to use the bottle for a answer to fussiness. Between bed and morning you have to eliminate the nightime feeding or you will never have a normal night of sleep) After the bottle, you sit and read or sing softly or which ever activities are calming and soothing and then at 6:30pm you place the child in the crib and walk out of the room shutting the door behind you.



You have to understand, when your baby is rubbing her eyes and acting tired you are anywhere from a hour to two hours TOO LATE. That's right too late. By the time the baby is showing she is sleepy her need for sleep is past the point where she will just sleep. Her body will send a boost of energy because it's confused as to why she's not asleep yet. You cannot wait for this, you must get her to sleep before she is tired. That is why the constant sleep time is important. If there is a bedtime, then it doesn't matter if your baby %26quot;looks%26quot; tired or not, she will go to bed. This goes for naps as well, stick to the schedule as best you can and do not by any means go by how sleepy your girl appears.



Then you must not go back into the room til at least 6am preferably 7am, although we normally go in by 6:45 every morning. Now barring any sign of actual distress (which we NEVER experienced) like choking or something startling, you must not go back in.



The first night our son cried for an hour and a half. The second night was longer nearly two hours. The third night was thirty minutes, and we thought %26quot;Oh my, we are winning! This is actually working.%26quot; Then the fourth, fifth, and sixth night were back up to an hour, but we noticed something.



We would put him to bed he would cry himself to sleep, but then he would sleep til almost 7am. By the second week, we were putting him in the crib, walking out and shutting the door, and our darling was not crying. He was going to sleep without even a muffle. He would sleep until 6:30 or 7am. We were a little apprehensive thinking maybe this was a fluke, but it has been over a month and a week and I have to say, I have never been more rested in my life.



Our son came back to us. During the day he started laughing all the time. He would talk non-stop and read his books and play with everything not nailed down. He started standing up and crawling faster and is nearly walking now.



And naps? Oh they have become this: we take him into his room at 9am put him down and he goes to sleep until 10am or later. At 2ish we repeat and he sleeps for a hour and a half. No crying no huff.



This really will work, but it is so hard to do. It required my wife going into the bedroom and crying while I listened for any sound of problems (which again NO problems ever happened).



Also as a result of him sleeping, my wife is getting her own 8 or 9 hours of rest, and I am getting 7 or 8. She laughs now and is back to being her self and I do not even feel tired after 12 hours of work. This has made our home a great place to be, awake or asleep.



Next stop... potty training AARRGGHHH!!!!



Just kidding.



Good luck and believe me you are a week away from bliss.

grow hair

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How do I get back parental control over a 4 year old?

My 4 year old son is exhibiting horrendous behaviors fairly suddenly. We never had a problem with hitting or kicking, etc. He used to be happy to help and friendly all the time. The fun %26quot;strategies%26quot; that we used to use to encourage him to clean his room, not scream, etc. aren't working anymore.



He recently began his second year of preschool, and he seems to enjoy it. The last couple of times that I've picked him up, he's said, %26quot;I'm waiting on my mommy. You're not my mommy.%26quot; At first I thought that it was just a game that he was playing and I tried to make light of it, but quickly realized that he sincerely did not want to go with me. Not wanting to make a public scene, I always end up coaxing him to the car (which takes a LONG time), and yesterday I had to physically put him in the car. I gave him warning (If you don't get in the car on your own then you can't watch your TV show tonight). In the car he screamed about not getting to watch it. We got home, he tried turning on the TV, I stuck to my guns, and he yelled at me. %26quot;I don't love you anymore! I hate you!%26quot; He kept trying to pull open the doors of the TV armoire. He refused to go to his room to calm down, and I was not about to forcibly hold him down to go to time out, but I was determined to not let him watch TV. He hit me, he threw blocks at me, he ended up losing his TV for the rest of the day. I then found out that he had taken a toy home from school, informed him that we would be taking it back today, and got yelled at - %26quot;I'm NOT taking it back! It's MINE now! I FOUND it!%26quot;



He doesn't exhibit any sort of violent behavior at school. The problem is that in my efforts to remain calm and not yell at him, I usually end up crying. He shows no remorse when this happens (maybe because he's accustomed to it).



So what do I do in a situation where there is a power struggle? I don't want to be physical with him because I don't want him to think that it's okay to push people around when you don't get your way. I can't just LET him watch TV when I've taken it away as a punishment. I can't just LET him stay at school. If I make suggestions for something else to do, he'll cross his arms and say, %26quot;No, I want THIS.%26quot; If I get strict, %26quot;Look at me. You can NOT blah blah,%26quot; then he turns it around and repeats it back to me. If he doesn't get his way, he will try to hit me ceaselessly, literally chasing after me. In that situation, how do you regain the upper hand?



In addition to his huge breakdowns, there are little problems that worry me. He refuses to tell us about what he did at school. He used to love to learn new things to the point of being obsessive, but now he acts like he doesn't want to do anything except play with toys. He refuses to help around the house. If I'm excited and positive about something, he will be negative and refuse. If I make ANY request of him, 90% of the time he'll respond with something like, %26quot;No, I'm too tired.%26quot; Or %26quot;No, I'm playing right now.%26quot; I don't want to constantly threaten him with consequences for every little disobedience, because then we'd be arguing all day. I want positivity and happiness back in our home, and I'm worried that if we don't nip it in the bud now these problems will leak into school. Everything is an argument, and I feel like he is full of pure, unadulterated spite. All of this has gone back only a month or two, and we haven't had any major life changes to help explain his behavior changes.



Thanks in advance for your suggestions.How do I get back parental control over a 4 year old?My kids are teenagers now, but when they were at that age, it seems that when I figured out one behavior, they went into another. What worked best for me is love. Especially with my daughter.. I would pick her up, tell her how smart she is, how pretty, how she learned how to do something that day, how she helped with something, etc. I covered everything I could think of, then went into the undesired behavior. I ALWAYS told her how proud I was of her, and NEVER said that SHE was bad, only the BEHAVIOR did not do her justice. That she is much better than that, and gave her an example of how to communicate herself differently. When you drop your son off at school, make plans for immediately after school, (ice cream works) Make it something crazy like this...%26quot;When I pick you up from school, we can go to Baskin Robbins and sample all the flavors, just 'cuz you're my guy, ok?%26quot; Be his buddy, maybe he'll open up to you as to what is going on at school. Good luck :)How do I get back parental control over a 4 year old?Obviously it's something he's picked up at Preschool. Go in and speak with his teachers. There's something very wrong here, if it continues, you're sunk! No more suggestions, a good swat will correct him, quickly. Taking things away does no good. You are the parent, stand your ground, no child should rule their parents. That's what's wrong with today's society, too many parents are giving in to children!How do I get back parental control over a 4 year old?Ok I heard what you said that you don't want to be physical but honey your 4 yr old needs his butt whipped. There is nothing wrong with a good old fashion butt whipping out of love. I am sure you got beat when you was little and you turned out ok. Your son need to know you are the parent and he is the child. Nip this in the bud because it will get worse.







Oh and he hit you and threw something at you.....Girl I wish my 23 month old would try that just 1 time will be enough and she will remember never to try it again!How do I get back parental control over a 4 year old?I wish I could tell you what to do. I'm having the same problem with my son. But it is at school that we are having the problem. He is hitting, kicking, and spitting on other kids. He loves to be at home. He will not listen to he teacher or any adult at his school. He is suspended from school tomorrow. And if he don't straighten up after that he will be dis-enrolled. I wish you all the luck in the world. The only thing I can tell you is call his doctor. He/she should be able to give you advice.How do I get back parental control over a 4 year old?Show him back that you're the boss. If he takes something, make him take it back and explain why he did it. If you have to push him into the car and hold him down to get him in his seat, do it. Don't hesitate to spank when he gets wild.

Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?

I am not an activist, a politician or anything else....just a citizen that is tired of being taken. Exxon had $40 BILLION in profits. The oil company CEO's make more in a minute than most people do in a year. Cut some of the salaries!!!!!



Here's an idea. Everyone (would be great if we got businesses to do this to) used absolutely, positively no oil or gas for a day or two........the same day or two........a strike? A Boston Tea Party of sorts. Pick a date. May 1st and 2nd. Shut off your heat. Park your cars. Businesses won't want to shut down for fear of losing money, but if they lose 1 or 2 days of profit, how much could they potentially save if the barrel prices went down $10 or $20?



Remember in the 70's when we had to buy gas on odd/even days because they said we'd run out? The truckers all headed to Washington and protested. Things changed when the people fought back.



Any comments?Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Sound like an Idea...how can we do this ... and a lot of people must be involve...



zero21764Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?you will never get enough people to go along with this to make a difference.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?The problem is people wont do it. What has to be done is people need to carpool. Take public transportation and not use the gas for stupid reasons like instead of driving to the corner store walk. Americans are the ones throwing away money instead of doing what they really need to do to make the gas prices go down. If the demand goes down the prices will also go down.!Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Bottom line is, we would not be in this mess today if it weren't for Ronald Reagan and the very first thing he did when he became president was to remove the alternative energy act of 1976. Thus if he hadn't done that, we would be 31 years ahead of all the oil related problems we now have or more like we wouldn't have. They knew in 1980 we were going to have these up and coming problems (war in the middle east, pollution, rising costs etc.). But it was all about making sure the oil industry sucked every last drop of money from the American people, no matter the overall cost.

The oil embargo of the early 1970's was a act by the %26quot;soon to be OPEC%26quot; because they knew we had hit peek oil in the US and were looking at the middle east to %26quot;fuel%26quot; our resources. Basically prices and supply stabilized because of this lobby and the increased supply to the US. Today what we are seeing with 108 dollar a barrel oil, is the increased demand by china and India for fuel as well. 100 dollar a barrel oil is supposed to be an economic indicator of peek oil in the middle east.

Academic experts are now saying we have only 3 years left to get our **** together.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Competition is the answer to high profits. Invest in companies having success with alternative fuel sources. We all have to have transportation and heat. Around here, my heat is usually off in May, won't be able to stop using electricity without a solar panel.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Solve the salesman traveling game algorithm, and put multiple passengers in each vehicle. Good Brave. Much savings when people ride with friends.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Why make a mess?

Why not switch the mode of travelling with a bicycle and go green in saving the planet?

Then others will be more worrying.

That no one is going to buy their oil any longer.

Luke 8.10,17

What do you think?Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Firstly, as a percentage of total revenue, oil companies have a low profit margin, believe it or not. Secondly, most oil profits are re-invested into 1) maintaining equipment and infrastructure, 2) finding new sites to dig for oil, and 3) new technologies, like ethanol and hybrids. Companies aren't stupid - they realize that oil is a finite source and that the future is with alternative fuel sources.



Protest oil costs all you want, as is your right, but you don't have the right to demand a lower price just because you require gasoline to get to work. That's a ridiculous attitude - that somehow the market must perfectly respond to all your needs. Yeah, I'd love if all my expenses were subsidized by the government, but that's not how life works. If you really want to see the price of gasoline go down over night, then you should write to your representatives about lowering, suspending or outright eliminating the gasoline tax. That would drop prices dramatically, but that hurts the government's bottom line. Sure, you pay income tax, sales tax, inheritance tax, gift tax, excise tax, and a number of other taxes, but that's not enough - you have to pay gasoline tax on top of your car registration and the tax you paid when you bought your car.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?There are many things we can do to rebel against being skrewed by OPEC and the oil giants.....but, we aren't willing to do it.



1. Stop driving gas-guzzling vehicles. There is no earthly reason to drive a Hummer or a gigantic SUV or van. NONE.



2. Buy ONLY those cars that get i35 - 50 miles to the gallon.....



3. Use public transportation whenever possible.



4. Plan driving errands to accomplish them in a more %26quot;gas-saving%26quot; way by driving fewer miles.



5. WALK once in awhile.



6. Use a bicycle whenever possible



7. Become a %26quot;1 car%26quot; family.



There are others, but the American people for the most part aren't interested in making any sacrifices. They just like to complain.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Not buying gas for a day or two does nothing. I boycott the gas stations for several weeks after I fill up. It is what they sell each month and each quarter that is their benchmark. We need to change our consumption habits.



Do people properlty inflate their tires and get tune ups? This can increase gas mileage by 10-20%. Does everyone do this? NO.



People can car pool yet a very small % do so. Why because gas prices are not high enough for people to be inconvenienced.



Rolling the speed limit back to 55MPH would reduce consumption in the US by more than 20% and reduce highway fatalities. Will this occur? No, because people want to stay at home 3 minutes longer and then drive fast.



If anyone really cared about gas prices all the above would be implemented and schools and businesses could go to a 4 day week or more telecommuting for businesses. This would eliminate one day of school bus service across the US and reduce gas consumption. Will this occur? Not a chance.



I do not understand why people continue to complain about gas prices but do nothing about it. Do you still see Hummers and big SUVs on the road? Of course you do and pickups also.



What people actually want is to keep consuming exactly what they are today but gas prices to be lower.



If you had a taco stand and could only make 500 tacos per day but you had 2,000 customers, wouldn`t you raise your prices until there was around 500 people still willing to buy your much higer priced tacos?



By the way, rationing gas in the 70s was because of price ceilings and not allowing for supply and demand pricing so it became unprofitable to sell gas to the US and that is why we had to ration it. One of the dumbest decisions in US history.



I also do not understand why people whine whenever gas prices rise, but if it had increase by the same percent as milk since 1940, it would be price at $120 per barrel.



When will people realize they and their consumtion habits are to blame and not Exxon or anyone else.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?If you cut CEO salaries then the most talented people will find other employment opportunities. This will have the effect of driving up prices because the production process loses efficiency.



You should also look at the reasons that oil is increasing in price. It is not because of greedy executives - it is because countries such as China and India are importing more oil. Since demand is increasing while supplies are not - the price goes up.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?the %26quot;environmentalists%26quot; could also let us drill. We have several spots in the U.S. that they won't let us drill, if it's done responsibly and doesn't harm the animas or trees too much, we could get so much oil out of those areas that we wouldn't need dependence on foreign oil.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?If your not an activist then what are you? Are you trying to make someone else do your job? If you really care you will start it yourself and spread the word to everyone around you. Quit shopping at the higher priced fuel stations. Go to the cheaper places. Beyond popular belief the ingredients in gas are the same no matter who you shop with. Techron just sounds better. There is no difference. Go to the cheap places. Even if you have to go around the corner to get it. And yes quit driving as much and don't use credit to buy gas. Credit is one of the leading causes of the high price of the economy including but not limited to fuel.Oil too expensive? Can the public rebel?VOTE REPUBLICANOil too expensive? Can the public rebel?Environmentalists just blocked another attempt of G.W. Bush by suing the government to place Right Whales on the %26quot;endangered list%26quot;. Bush was about to open the coastal waters of Alaska for exploratory drilling, having lifted Bill Clinton's ban on drilling in that region.

However, an environmentalist group sued, demanding that the Right Whale be placed on the endangered list so that the Bush Administration could not prepare leases in Alaskan waters. They sued, even though previous petitions were answered by the Administration, setting aside some 36,000 miles of ocean for the whales.



The Republican Congress opened Alaskan waters for drilling in 2003. Bush tried to get drilling going on Alaskan governmental lands, but that was stalled by the Democrats in 2004, 2005, and 2006. When Democrats took over the House and Senate, Bush attempted to drill in Alaskan and Gulf of Mexico waters.

But, in flocked the environmentalists with their lawsuits. Environmentalists were quoted as saying:



“Drilling in Bristol Bay would be drilling through the heart of the most important habitat of the most endangered whale on the planet,” said Brendan Cummings, oceans program director of the Center for Biological Diversity. “If the North Pacific right whale is to have any chance of survival, we must protect its critical habitat, not auction it off to oil companies.”



28 billion dollars go to environmentalist causes from the Federal Government coffers every year. Only .4 billion goes toward energy causes. That is 70 times more money going to environmentalist causes!



Yet, people have this notion that Oil Companies are the greedy ones!

Sheesh!!!

What do you think about this funny ideas?

Confucius Says.....

%26quot;Man who run in front of car get tired%26quot;

%26quot;Man who run behind car get exhausted%26quot;

%26quot;Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do%26quot;

%26quot;Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.%26quot;

%26quot;War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.%26quot;

%26quot;Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!%26quot;

%26quot;Man who sit on tack get point!%26quot;

%26quot;Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!%26quot;

%26quot;Man who lives in glass house should change in basement%26quot;

%26quot;If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.%26quot;





Top 10 Words That Don't Exist... But Should...

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,or running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the %26quot;open here%26quot; spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.





Giving 100%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.





Philosophy 101

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

%26quot;Now,%26quot; said the professor, as the laughter subsided, %26quot;I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.%26quot;

%26quot;The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff.%26quot;

%26quot;If you put the sand into the jar first,%26quot; he continued, %26quot;there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time for me to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.%26quot;

%26quot;Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.%26quot; One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. %26quot;I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!



Worthy of Heaven

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. %26quot;Have you ever done anything of particular merit?%26quot; St. Peter asks.

%26quot;Well, I can think of one thing,%26quot; the man offers. %26quot;Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'%26quot;

St. Peter was impressed.

%26quot;When did this happen?%26quot;

%26quot;Just a couple of minutes ago.%26quot;



Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, %26quot;Where's the self-help section?%26quot; She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to %26quot;get away from it all?%26quot;

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word %26quot;Lisp%26quot; to have %26quot;S%26quot; in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called %26quot;hemorrhoids%26quot; instead of %26quot;assteroids%26quot;?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?





Deep Thoughts #1

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said %26quot;Quit while you're ahead?%26quot;

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.





No Dirty Words

It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, %26quot;Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?%26quot;

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, %26quot;Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?%26quot;

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, %26quot;It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.%26quot;



Where This Word Come From

Did you know..... In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could and did happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined justwhat was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term %26quot;Ship High In Transit%26quot; on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term %26quot;S.H.I.T %26quot; , (Ship High In Transport)which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term. !!!!!!!



10 things a man can do at Wal-Mart

Here are 10 things a man can do at Wal-Mart while his wife is taking her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms %26amp; randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Get on the PA system and announce in an official tone: 'All cars in row 1 of the parking lot are illegally parked and will be towed. Will the owner of the cars please move them'. . and see what happens.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest-room.

4. Get on the PA system and announce in an official tone: 'Code 3, Housewares' . . and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M%26amp;M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the bullets and anti-depressants are.

12. In the Auto Department, practice your %26quot;Madonna look%26quot; using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say: %26quot;PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!%26quot;

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell loudly: %26quot;There's no toilet paper in here!%26quot;What do you think about this funny ideas?Don't quit your day job.What do you think about this funny ideas?wow...were you bored? I thought they were funny though thanks for the pick me up!

tra la la la!What do you think about this funny ideas?i love the 10 words! ahhahhaaaWhat do you think about this funny ideas?This is all extremely funny but you have issues coming up with all of this? Very funnyWhat do you think about this funny ideas?This is so funny! Thanks for making me smile and laugh!What do you think about this funny ideas?My Favorite is Giving 100%!!!

Why am i still alive?

i am way to young and healthy to die i am 20 and very athletic. i was driving my car and fell asleep for about 10 seconds on the highway and slid past the fast lane into the slanted grass in the center and slid down it like a bob sled going 65 went through three trees. i woke up right when the car started to go into the snow and i grabbed the breaks and steered the car down the hill as slowly as i could holding my breaks down i went through 3 trees 4 times the width of me they all shattered. the car was in pieces. the airbag never went off but i never felt any pressure about 20 pounds of pressure in the leg that was not on break pedal the break pedal absored that in the other leg. no pain at all my head did not even move chair barely moved. yet my engine shot over my head after hiting the first tree. this was a toyota solara 2001 v6 se. so for all of you who own this car as a live crash dummy i rate it 5 stars for saftey so its looks is not its it best feature its amazing. i doubt if i was in any other car like a dodge or something i would be typing right now. i felt absolutely nothing less. force in that crash then in your typical bumper car tap. so keep this car if you own it. maybe it will save your life. but the reason i fell asleep at the wheel is because at night i dont sleep enough because i am still like a 14 year old in maturity i just am not mature enough to go to bed early i never get my hw done in time to go to bed i am suffering at college because i am in the wrong major and i love to have fun with my friends and play video games so i play until i pass out at night. so now i do all my hw at night because thats when i perform the best and because of this i struggle a bit to be fully their in class and aparently it almost took my life today. why am i still alive? is their something or many things i am meant to do before i die that i have not done yet so i was spared? how can i change so i develop to be who i am supposed to be and do? i guess sleeping at night is a start. how can i change my sleep patern? and what else is their for recommendations? i got out of the car my self just walked away from it. no pain or any fealing of impact at all. also i am pissed i almost died and was to tired to ever notice or comprehend i died. i would have never known i died. i almost left twin brother with out a brother any more. :( i dont believe in god sorry and i never have so in that case if it was him according to you because i dont believe in him he would not have saved me. so it was not god who saved me it was the genious engineers who built the car right. people who believe in god truely have to learn the only way for things to happen is to make it happen and its those geniouses out their at toyota that are making things happen and saving peoples lives like me and i thank people because they deserve it. not some random imaginary person called god who we dont even know exist. people who believe in god should learn to thank the right people. like the manufactures. or when basketball players do well dont thank god thank your coach imagine how your coach feals if you say it was mainly god. or thank your parents and teachers for you education not god.Why am i still alive?i didn't read the whole thing, but because you are needed.

ittwit

myspace commentes

If You really want a good laugh tonight check these out. Can you read?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

%26quot;Isn't it true,%26quot; he bellowed, %26quot;that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?%26quot;

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

%26quot;Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?%26quot; the lawyer repeated

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, %26quot;Sir, please answer the question.%26quot;

%26quot;Oh,%26quot; the startled witness said, %26quot;I thought he was talking to you.%26quot;

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, Englan

****

Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew...

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the Government's scheme to employ needy Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment!

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

******

After serious %26amp; cautious consideration...

Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2010!

It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2010?

?May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.

?May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of money.

?May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

?May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.

?May the problems you had forget your home address!

In simple words ............

May 2010 be the best year of your life!!!

=======If You really want a good laugh tonight check these out. Can you read?very good jokes, especially the corruption trialIf You really want a good laugh tonight check these out. Can you read?Good stuff and yes Gordon could use some help in his pits but I don't think he needs quite that much lol may God bless and protect youIf You really want a good laugh tonight check these out. Can you read?......If You really want a good laugh tonight check these out. Can you read?Contract of Friendship?



No thanks!



But I love the Jeff Gordon joke!

Please help! i need extra money to put my sons through college, so i'm starting a home auto care service?

I really need help, i'm just trying to earn a little money on side to help get my sons through college. i'm not trying to establish a huge corporation here...just a temp. business. thanks!!



My plan is to offer a service where I will be going to people's homes to change their oil at a discounted price. I will provide the oil and disposal and the whole idea is that it will be convenient for ppl and cheaper! They get to choose the type of oil and oil change they get. I'll also be offering other services such as lubrication, tire gauge check, air, vaccuum, repairs (broken side view mirror, etc) BUT i'll mainly be advertising the oil change.



soo..i have some questions and I would appreciate any help, thank you! These are my questions:



1) What's a good tagline? I'm so bad at this, but I'm thinking %26quot;have your oil changed at the convenience of your own home%26quot;..id like something that's more catchy though



2) how can i establish credibility and trustworthiness? i don't have a certificate, but i've been working with my/family's/friends' cars for years.



3) What title would sound best (most official, most professional)? In other words, what can I call myself? Professional Oil Changer? (I also do other things, so idk about that...) I need a good title, pls help!



4) How much should I charge for my services?



any other advice? thank you so very much!!Please help! i need extra money to put my sons through college, so i'm starting a home auto care service?Changeing your oil should be a breeze, call me so you dont get greased



have those friends write letters to show potential customers.



title, I wouldn't worry about...just let them know u do other work



call other oil change places, valvoline jiffy lube etc. then price accordingly. but keep in mind you will be burning gas to go to their home. I'd also look into some sort of liability insurance in case the car slips off the jack etc. you could also offer lawn mower service %26lt;if u know how%26gt; chain saw service etc. have the customer tell u what kinda' oil they want so u can pick it up on the way. if they dont know call the dealer to find out what kind the specific car takes. you may look into storing the old oil for sale to someone who may have the type of furnace that burns that kinda oil. ypu could also offer a discount if you are paid cash.Please help! i need extra money to put my sons through college, so i'm starting a home auto care service?i care about your car care

home auto care

offer something free

For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?

Don't bother with saying, If you are thinking about buying a Lexus, you should be able to maintain it. If not, shop for something else.



I love the Lexus IS design, both outside and inside. And I'd love to get myself one of these beautiful cars. However, before I take one of these cars in my driveway, I want to make certain I am not making a mistake.



These are the questions I want you to answer:



1. I heard the price for one tire is $300... Is this true? If no, how much does one of these tires cost?



2. I heard the price for oil change is $110. If this is not true, how much does it cost you for oil change?



3. I heard if either the front bumper or rear bumper needs replacement, the cost would be $5000. If this is not true, how much do you think a bumper replacement should cost?



4. Although the amount you pay for car insurance is based on your driving history, I heard that the quality of a car does play a major role. I am 27. So, in your opinion, how much do you think I will pay for car insurance for the 06 Lexus IS 250? My driving history has a clean record. I have yet to receive a ticket.



5. What other things I need to know about owning one of these cars?



Please answer my question.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?I dont know the actual costs but my mom has one and I can tell you my point of view.

A Lexus is a great investment. Ours is in good condition after seven years of tedious driving back and forth to the city. They don't break down too easily though when you do have a problem, its major and hard to fix because parts aren't too easy to find and very expensive. Once you get it fixed, its as good as new again. I hope you love yours as much as my mom loves hers! :)



You don't have to get the best gas or the best tires. We make a yearly trip to Discount Tires and get a $20 dollar oil change every 6 months. As for gas, we deal with the regular ol' unleaded. Now we have so many miles on our little hoopdee that its worth nothing at a trade in but it works great to be so old (1997).For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?my friend had an IS 350, he said it was qite expensive to maintain, its not the type of car you can work on yourself or just take to an auto, pretty much everything has to be done at the dealer, it cost him about $1000 for each back tire and $500 for each front but those were racing tires so regular im sure are less, he said brakes were not cheap other and im not sure about cost for other things.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?You don't have to go lexus dealer when you buy it new. if you can do the basics, such as changing the motor oil, coolant, differential oil, tranny oil, air filter, and rotate the tires. You can save a lots. or if you can't do it yourself go to the local mechanic and start to build a relationship.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?Lexus are cheaper to maintain then American cars, because Lexus never brakes down. How many Lexus's have you seen broken down on the road? NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!



Support the American economy and by from an American Lexus dealer!!! Its good for the ecnomy. It supports Americans. And it creates jobs for Americans. Yes we can!!!For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?My ex-bf has a Lexus and also a Niece had one and yes it is very expensive to keep up and for original parts. Gas costs more cause you need to use the best there is possible. but for more info I would google it and see what comes up ...lots of info there. Yes they are beautiful cars but I wouldn't get one just because its so expensive to keep up.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?TIP: Expensive cars are expensive to maintain. Cheap cars are cheap to maintain.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?lexus only a lit bit more than a toyota, compare to benz and bmw lexus is the best unless u bought benz/bmw new they will have bumper to bumper but overall lexus is pretty cheapFor Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?I'll answer each of your questions in order:



#1. No. It depends on the tire make and model you want. You can get the same size tire but they will vary in price depending on the manufacturer and tread.



#2. Yes and no. We have a 2008 Lexus ES 350 and our dealer suggest to get the 5,000 mile service that includes the oil change. The 5,000 mile service is $110. However this is not required. If you just get the oil change it will be about $75.



#3. This will vary on the severity of your accident. Most of the times minor fender benders are repairable and do not require you to replace the bumper. However if you get into such a severe accident where your bumper must be replaced there might be frame damage which will cost a lot to repair on any car.



#4. This also varies depending on your insurance company, type of coverage you want, and where you live. Why not ask your insurance agent for a free quote? Or better yet call other insurance companies and ask for their quotes.



#5. The IS is a great car. If you've never owned a luxury car then you may think the maintenance is expensive, however Lexus' are usually cheaper to maintain than other European cars.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?I've owned a 1999 LS400 for 4 years now, and I haven't paid for a single things but oil changes (Which cost about $30- price of synthetic oil and filter and I do myself) and new tires ($320 with an alignment). The 4.0 V8 gets 23mpg tank average Everything else has been flawless and nothing has ever broken. The depreciation has been minimal too. This car has been an economy car in every since of the word.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?DO NOT go to the stealership.



1. Dude, discount tires, my tires are 3 fold better then the stockies are and for a $100 less per tire.



2. Midas, Jiffy Lube, hell I change my own oil.



3. Just go to a reputable shop in your area no more than say $3k. (or if your like me, try on new bumper skirts and lips.)



4. Get a quote online there pretty accurate.



5. There really reliable, last forever and are not that %26quot;exciting%26quot; for us car enthusiasts but they are B-E-A-U-tiful to look at.For Lexus owners: Is it expensive to maintain a Lexus?Lexus are kind of expensive to maintain. But, on the bright side, you will hardly ever have to take it in. I have had mine for 4 years and i have never had to take it in for a problem.



The price of the tires depends on the size, quality, etc. The oil will not cost $110, maybe $40. And, to be honest, $5k for a new bumper sounds about right. well... may be a little less, like 3k.



Hope this helps.



p.s. Please don't go buy an incredibly cheap car just because maintenance is cheaper. Be smart and buy a good low maintenance car(i.e. Lexus) that way you don't have to worry about it so much.

Will you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?

I don't think I will, even if i had the money to do it. Simple reason is that my Dad said for my 16th Birthday he would give me $500 dollars to buy a car (i'm 20 now). So i looked and after haggling a guy i got a 1991 Ford Explorer XLS for $500. After that i got a job, paid for the insurance and all the modifications. I changed the oil, paid my cell bill, rotated the tires. Paid for all the maintence, same for my sister (even tho she got $750 dollars, i guess she was better at haggling than i was lol :p)



-My point being that i learned how to be responsible when i had to Pay for everything ( i paid my dad back for the car), i even started working when i was 12... on a farm but HEY, its a job.



-SO will you buy them a car if you can clearly afford a nicer one...



Dont let them get an explorer pls... :)Will you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?I doubt it i'd rather my children work and save to buy there own, but i would pay for driving lesson'sWill you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?I get my mom's car and she gets a new one. She has a 94 Honda Accord...Will you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?I'm not going to have any kids.Will you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?well, im not a parent or even old enuf 2 drive but my mom says shes gonna give me her 1994 camry and shes gonna get a new carWill you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?Yeah, I probably will. If I have the money too, I will especially if they have a job, granted it won't be a BMW if I could afford that because a 16 year old can't handle that. I know if I maintain at least all A's and B's til I'm 16 I'm getting $10,000 but I worked for that money and it's not liking I am or could go buy a brand new car, I plan on refurbishing a VW bus and paying my cousin to restore it.Will you Buy your Kid their First Vehicle?I have with all 3 of my children.

I think it is great when one can afford to help their children out. Be a child or grown adults.

I know my adult children appreciate all that I do for them.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.



30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.



32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks



33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.



34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.



35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.



36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.



37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.



38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.



39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.



40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.



41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.



42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.



43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.



44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.



45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.



46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.



48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!



49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.



50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!



51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...



53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.



54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?another bunch of goodies roseFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?So what's the question?For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?and the question is???For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?Like theseFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?Wow - those are some good ones!!!For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?its not a question people...they are just little funny sayings to make you smile...thank you I thought they were cuteFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?That is not to serious! good work.For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?And the answer is Life is a box of chocolates you just never know!?!?!?For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?what's this - rambling rose's guide to life???

i thought we asked and answered questions on this site.....

don't you take life too seriously?? living buy all these rules??

live a little- i ca'nt remember all them. i just know right from wrongFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?OMG THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!!!!!

lol

I love them all!For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?wow...that's so true. :-)For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?LOL... I love these ! They are great!For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?yep, equally as good as the first part. Love it!For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

thts even better thn the 1st part

hahahahahaha

i'll have some of it as my own qoutes, unless u had a copyright

looooool ;DFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?I love it..Love it,,, Love it... Have a fantastic STAR xFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?You provide good advice!For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?Hahaha I like number 31 ThanksFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?LMAO!!!!For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?A perfect 'follow on' from Part one!!



LOL!! *For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?hehehe, am gonna save there, pmsl



starFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?Brilliant.For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously Part 2?very good thank you.

another 3 idiots added on the blocked list......

baby girl names best

straight hair

Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set



2. A day without sunshine is like, night.



3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.



4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.



5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.



8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.



9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges



10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.



11. Remember half the people you know are below average.



12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?



13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.



14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.



16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.



18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.



20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.



21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.



22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?



23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.



24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.



25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.



26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.



27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.



28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.



30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.



32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks



33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.



34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.



35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.



36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.



37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.



38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.



39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.



40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.



41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.



42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.



43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.



44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.



45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.



46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.



48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!



49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.



50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!



51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.



52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...



53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.



54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?Here are some one-liners you might want to add to your list:



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.



Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.



Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.



The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.



To write with a broken pencil is pointless.



When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.



A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.



A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.



Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.



We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.



When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.



The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.



The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.



The dead batteries were given out free of charge.



If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.



A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.



A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.



The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.



Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like an orange.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?I liked some of themJoke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?ROFLOLMAO! That was brilliant! Hilarious or funny!

HAHAHAHA! Good one....uuhhhh 54 I mean!Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?LOL i like it! These would be handy.hahaJoke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?I like #47, I always have trouble with vending machines.

I liked most of them. A lot to read though, my eyes hurt now.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?Haha,i liked it.it was pretty goodJoke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?What no tick boxes.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?ROTFL. I would love to steal that one.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?LOL and thanks to WNLOA for starring you. I will also.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?Ay, ay, ay... thanks to you I am now %26quot;stupid email joke queen%26quot;... and my friends hate me... but I have to send this one out!Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?No's 7 and 46 rung true for me..... rofl.



Practicing Shaman... quantum physics rocks.Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?A very wise long list of life's little idiosyncrasies!

Good Job!Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?Why only 54? good number.