Eliminating commentary (if u see any)
Cutting repetition
Not using a lot of “ing” and making them direct verbs (I really need help on that…I don’t know how to change it)
Making things do things --%26gt; action words
Being direct rather then passive
And making the descriptive writing descriptive and eliminating unnecessary words
thanks a lot for your generous help :) ]
It was late December; the skies were a haunting shade of grey as tiny snowflakes gently cascaded onto the ground, adding to the morning pile. I was walking to school with my friend, Kevin, down a one-way street, and screeching car tires on the highway nearby were constantly drowning our conversations, so we settled for walking quietly.
At school, the hallways were crowded as usual with students bickering, and teachers trying to intervene. In a corner near the cafeteria, where the popular kids had their lunch, a long line was formed. Behind the table, there was a banner with “Come Show Your Talent” written across it. Kevin, the daredevil of the two of us, was quick to sign us up for a duet. Mr. Johnson, the head of drama, an odd looking man with a pointy, bald head, and a massive stomach, told us he was looking forward to seeing us out on stage. My stomach dropped when I heard that, because the only time I ever showed my talent was in the shower.
The talent show was tomorrow, and I was more nervous than a dog on a highway. A minute later I see Kevin going to his class with his friends who are much taller and thinner then him. “ What song do you want to sing?” Kevin asked, at lunch.
“I don’t know,” I replied sheepishly, wondering if I should tell him how I feel. I decided against it, and pushed my apprehensions aside. I walked away towards my own class like a convicted man walking to the gallows.
The big day came around quicker than I’d imagined, and soon enough, Kevin and I were standing on stage with the entire school chanting our names. As I turned to Kevin, he grab my hand and asked “Are you ready for a fun-filled day?” “Yeah” I said back in a soft tone. I closed my eyes and belted out my favourite song, with Kevin chiming in. In due time I opened my eyes and felt an unexpected surge of confidence surging through me, and I got into the song. On the way home, I realized that I had confidence all along, I just needed to tap into it.Can U please check this writing...10 easy points?My suggestions are in CAPS:
It was late December; the skies were a haunting shade of grey AND tiny snowflakes gently cascaded onto the ground, adding to the morning pile. I was walking to school with my friend (omit,) Kevin (omit),) down a one-way street, but screeching car tires on the highway nearby were constantly drowning our conversations, so we settled for walking quietly.
At school (OMIT,) the hallways were crowded as usual with students bickering (OMIT,) and teachers trying to intervene. In a corner near the cafeteria, where the popular kids had their lunch, a long line HAD formed. Behind A table, there was a banner with “Come Show Your Talent” written across it. Kevin, the daredevil of the two of us, was quick to sign us up for a duet. THE HEAD OF DRAMA TEACHER, Mr. Johnson, an odd looking man with a pointy, bald head, and a massive stomach, told us he was looking forward to seeing us out on stage. My stomach dropped when I heard that, because the only time I ever showed my talent was in the shower.
The talent show was THE NEXT DAY, and I was more nervous than a dog on a highway. A minute later I SAW Kevin going to his class with his friends who WEre much taller and thinner then HE. LATER AT LUNCH, KEVIN ASKED, “ What song do you want to sing?”
“I don’t know,” I replied sheepishly, wondering if I should tell him how I feLT. I decided against it (OMIT,) and pushed my apprehensions aside. I walked away towards my own class like a convicted man walking to the gallows.
The big day came around quicker than I’d imagined, and soon enough, Kevin and I were standing on stage with the entire school chanting our names. As I turned to Kevin, he grab my hand and asked, “Are you ready for a fun-filled day?” “Yeah,” I ANSWERED back in a soft tone. I closed my eyes and belted out my favourite song, with Kevin chiming in. In due time I opened my eyes and felt an unexpected BURST of confidence surging through me, and I REALLY got into the song. On the way home I realized that I had confidence all along, BUT THAT I just needed to tap into it.Can U please check this writing...10 easy points?thank u
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Can U please check this writing...10 easy points?This is really good. You used good vocabrulary. My favorite part is how you saved the trait for the end.