“Maddi, come on, I have something to show you on the beach,” the man walked to the hidden steps and started to descend down the cliff, heading towards their secret little beach. Maddi looked at him and nodded not wanting to disturb the calm silence and repetitive pattern of the waves crashing on the sand. This was her favorite spot. It was peace, it was calm, it felt real.
The way the waves moved in perfect harmony amazed Madelyn Grace more than anything in the world. The way one waves left and almost instantly another one came and took its place. It was almost like it was alive.
Maddi started to descend the eroding steps. She removed her sandals and carried them over to a patch of dying shrubs. She took a deep breath, the damp air filling her lungs. She walked over to her dad in silence, no need to talk when both of them knew exactly what to do from the frequent walks on the beach they always shared. She grabbed his hand as they walked up and down the deserted beach.
The beach was littered with seaweed and kelp, but it didn’t matter. That is how it is supposed to be. It isn’t supposed to be free of any debris like you see in those fake postcards. To most people seaweed was gross and annoying but in reality it is the way beaches are meant to be.
This oaisis was where Madelyn Grace spent almost all her time growing up. Her dad, Samuel, lived here for 25 years and never moved from his first cottage they both loved to call home. It was always the Maddi and Sam show, her mother isn’t dead but she practically is to Maddi. Her name is Susan. She is a firm woman who Maddi always pictured without a heart. How could she just leave and never visit her own daughter? She was probably off in Paris or London, she was a Fashion designer, a rich, stuck up fashion designer. She came to visit only once and only for a few days and Maddi already knew all she needed to about her.
They walked along the beach swinging their hands back and forth. Sam stopped walking and turned his back to the waves and spoke to Maddi.
He sighed and a chill ran down Madelyn’s spin, “Something will happen soon that will change your life…I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what. OK?”
“You know I will always love you, but what is this life changing thing that is supposed to happen?” she ended her last words with a bit of a laugh.
“Maddi, this is serious I’m not joking, please just listen to me.”
Maddi had never seen her dad so serious. The color had drained from his face, his eyes looked sunken in, and his whole demeanor look tired and fragile.
Maddi could do no more than just nod her head. She was bewildered. What was going to happen that was so important that her Dad looked like this? She looked into is blue eyes and saw something in them that she had never seen before. It looked like sadness but he also looked almost…proud? He turned to the ocean and took something out of his pocket. It was in the shape of a starfish but it glowed green, blue, and purple with a red tint. He raised it above his head and Maddi took a step back. He spoke something in a different language and the trinket began to shake violently. Her let go and it shot at the upcoming wave it smashed into it at lightning speed. An earshattering ‘boom’ reached far into Maddi’s body rattling her bones. Then the wave stopped, it looked frozen and ever so slowly it got smaller and smaller until the water was still and the ocean had stopped churning.
Maddi stared at the still water. What in the world just happened? She felt as though she was going to pass out. Her father turned and looked at her and she was astonished to see he had tears in his eyes. Samuel turned back towards the ocean and bellowed, “I am ready for you! Messenger, She is ready for you!”
A huge mist erupted from the calm water. Maddi rushed forward and grabbed her dad’s hand.
“Dad, I don’t like this, this is creeping me out, what are you doing?! What is going on?” Maddi started to cry, small tears ran down her cheeks.
“ Maddi, all you need to know right now is that I love you and everything will be fine. It is not my placeWould you care to read and critique my writing please?For the most part I really enjoyed it. I love the imagery you wrote in a lot of places and I hope you keep working on it. The premise is really interesting and I think it's a good start, so keep it up.
My thoughts. First of all, is there a reason you say she for so many sentences before telling her name? As a reader, I'm curious to know who this is right away and I'm also wondering how old she is. By saying the man for several sentences, it led me to think it was a boyfriend or romantic interest, so when it was suddenly her father I was jarred. Especially since they have a secret hidden beach and they're holding hands. Sorry but that's a little creepy. Anyway, introduce your characters right away.
Supposed to be and meant to be are too similar, edit one out or revise. Oasis. Now does Dad have a cottage on the beach? Or does he just live there? It's confusing, just elaborate. No need to say fashion designer twice in the same sentence. Then you suddenly switch to present tense. I think it'd sound best if it was all in the past.
This sentence is too formal. I imagine she's a teenager? Do teens really speak so formally?
You know I will always love you, but what is this life changing thing that is supposed to happen?”
Loosen it up a little. %26quot;Um, I...love you too Dad. What the heck are you talking about?%26quot; Especially if she ends it with a half laugh.
No need to say this. It's obvious what she's thinking and it's repetitious.
What was going to happen that was so important that her Dad looked like this?
Add a period here:
Then the wave stopped. It looked frozen...
Tears are usually the same size, so small doesn't work. Consider how she's feeling and bring that more to life. Her clinging to her Dad is a little like overkill right now. I'd say bring it down a notch.
I love the description of the seahorseman, but you could revise a little.
Then out of the mist sprung a man but as he emerged, she realized his bottom half looked like a seahorse.
That edits out the word half twice in the same sentence. What color hair does he have? You could describe him a little more.
'understanding went through him' is a little odd. Do you mean her? Keep it in her perspective. It's hard to imagine him clearing his throat. It seems like he'd be above something like that and have a big, booming voice. Or something. It just needs a little something.
I'm confused about the sea creature he found. Was this found when she was a child or recently? Just elaborate. Also, go more into her feelings about going with the messenger. Is she scared? Excited? Has her destiny clicked in her head? It just seems a little rushed at that point.
All in all, the content is great and you have a good start. Keep working on the execution and I think you might have something special here. Good luck!Would you care to read and critique my writing please?no offense but i got bored really fast...use more of a hook in the beginning and change the perspective to first person...that would help make it more interesting...hope i could help!Would you care to read and critique my writing please?wow.... deep stuff. pretty good, i must admit!
good luckk in writing!
