O.k. so, I had to choose a personality trait and write a descriptive story about it…and this is what I came up with... Can u please help me make this writing better by:
Eliminating commentary (if u see any)
Cutting repetition
Not using a lot of “ing” and making them direct verbs (I really need help on that…I don’t know how to change it)
Making things do things --%26gt; action words
Being direct rather then passive
And making the descriptive writing descriptive and eliminating unnecessary words
thanks a lot for your generous help :) ]
It was late December; the skies were a haunting shade of grey as tiny snowflakes gently cascaded onto the ground, adding to the morning pile. I was walking to school with my friend, Kevin, down a one-way street, and screeching car tires on the highway nearby were constantly drowning our conversations, so we settled for walking quietly.
At school, the hallways were crowded as usual with students bickering, and teachers trying to intervene. In a corner near the cafeteria, where the popular kids had their lunch, a long line was formed. Behind the table, there was a banner with “Come Show Your Talent” written across it. Kevin, the daredevil of the two of us, was quick to sign us up for a duet. Mr. Johnson, the head of drama, an odd looking man with a pointy, bald head, and a massive stomach, told us he was looking forward to seeing us out on stage. My stomach dropped when I heard that, because the only time I ever showed my talent was in the shower.
The talent show was tomorrow, and I was more nervous than a dog on a highway. A minute later I see Kevin going to his class with his friends who are much taller and thinner then him. “ What song do you want to sing?” Kevin asked, at lunch.
“I don’t know,” I replied sheepishly, wondering if I should tell him how I feel. I decided against it, and pushed my apprehensions aside. I walked away towards my own class like a convicted man walking to the gallows.
The big day came around quicker than I’d imagined, and soon enough, Kevin and I were standing on stage with the entire school chanting our names. As I turned to Kevin, he grab my hand and asked “Are you ready for a fun-filled day?” “Yeah” I said back in a soft tone. I closed my eyes and belted out my favourite song, with Kevin chiming in. In due time I opened my eyes and felt an unexpected surge of confidence surging through me, and I got into the song. On the way home, I realized that I had confidence all along, I just needed to tap into it.Can U please check this writing...10 easy points?I'll give it a shot:
It was late December; the skies were a haunting shade of grey as tiny snowflakes gently cascaded onto the ground, adding to the morning's accumulation. I was walking to school with my friend, Kevin, down a one-way street. The screeching of car tires on the highway nearby drowned any attempts at conversation, so we settled for walking quietly.
When we reached the school, the hallways were crowded as usual with students bickering, and teachers trying to intervene. In a corner near the cafeteria, where the %26quot;popular%26quot; kids had their lunch, a long line had formed beside a table. A banner behind the table loudly invited us to “Come Show Your Talent”. Kevin, the daredevil of our duo, was quick to sign us to sing a duet. The head drama teacher, Mr. Johnson, who was an odd looking man with a pointy, bald head, and massive stomach, told us he was looking forward to seeing us out on stage. My stomach knotted when I heard that, because the only time I ever showed my talent was in the shower.
The talent show was the next day, and I was as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs. The uneasy feeling followed me throughout the morning. At lunchtime, Kevin and I reconnected.
“What song do you want to sing?” he asked. “I don’t know,” I replied sheepishly, wondering if I should tell him how uneasy I was about the whole idea. Instead I remained silent, and after an unenjoyable lunch, I walked away towards my class like a convicted man walking to the gallows.
The big day came around quicker than I’d hoped, and soon Kevin and I were standing on stage with the entire school chanting our names. As I turned to Kevin, he grabbed my hand and asked “Are you ready for some fun?” “Yeah” I replied, almost inaudibly. I closed my eyes and began belting out my favourite song, with Kevin joining in. With the initial shock over, I began to feel an unexpected surge of confidence, and opened my eyes. I really began to get into the song! On the way home, I realized that I had probably had the confidence all along, I just needed to get past my anxiety and tap into it.
Hope this helps!Can U please check this writing...10 easy points?Yeah you were right about the repetition. Trick: try and do an outline before you start writing. It may sound stupid, but thats what I used to think and now I am a journalist and I make an outline every time before I start writing. Your sentences are good and all but you definitely need better organization of your thoughts. Keep it up though, I see where your trying to go. Good Luck. BTW: don't be afraid to edit your paper and take sentences completely out if they don't fit. You don't need stupid sentences.
